How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
