I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize