You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
It was like getting head from an anaconda
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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