i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
