hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
