Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
