When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
