She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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