Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
