I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
