a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
