I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
