I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
