You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
