...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
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