Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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