Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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