woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
