It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
