I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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