every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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