i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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