Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
