Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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