I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
