Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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