Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize