those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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