I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
