This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
