I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
