You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
FUCK WHALES
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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