I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
