If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
