He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
