the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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