Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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