nutella sex= disaster
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
