at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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