Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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