he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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