I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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