I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Randomize
