I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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