Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
