Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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