If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
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