No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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