life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
