There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
