my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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