a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
