I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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