haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
