Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
