she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I still have a little drunk in my system
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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