They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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