I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
