I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
