You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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