I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
