My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
