Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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