I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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