I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
