You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
