i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
this will be a night to untag.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
