My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
