Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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