Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
